


push a button and rewind (everything comes back to you)

by localopa



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Bisexuality, Coming Out, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Sort of song fic, Summer Love, idk what to tag this, if you look real close you can see some self hate, it's two in the morning, pansexuality, sexuality denial
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-24 21:44:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10750401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/localopa/pseuds/localopa
Summary: the problem with being confident in his heterosexuality didn’t come until his parents decided to go to america for the summer.(or the one where coming to terms with your sexuality should be as easy as going on holiday)(or the summer holiday sexuality crisis nobody asked for)





	push a button and rewind (everything comes back to you)

**Author's Note:**

> hi. it's currently 2 in the morning, i didn't proofread this because i'm bad at life, and i'm emotional over my own playlist. long story short: i was listening to summer love by one direction and i got an idea. title is both from summer love by one direction and from this town by niall horan. i'd like to thank god for my migraines that have kept me up so i could write this.
> 
> xx oliver

push a button and rewind (everything comes back to you)

the problem with being confident in his heterosexuality didn’t come until his parents decided to go to america for the summer.

phil was ecstatic when his parents told him where they were going on holiday. usually, they spent their time in florida, never really traveling outside of the state. this time, they were going to california, and it wasn’t just going to be mini golfing and going to disney world. sure, it’s not that much different than florida, it’s still going to be hot and they’d be going to disney _land_ this time, but it’s not florida. again. for the fifth summer in a row.

there was no problem for phil, not while packing, not while boarding the plane, not even when they landed in california. 

no, the problem started when they went to the beach on their first day.

-

there was a boy named dan, who didn’t seem that much younger than him, who had a laugh that was contagious and loud enough to get phil’s attention. dan, the one with the curly brown hair and made phil’s heart skip a beat the first time he sa- what? phil’s not attracted to boys, not in the slightest. he likes girls. girls with long hair that you can run your hands through for days and never get tired, girls whose smile could light up a room. not boys. phil’s straight. he’s not _gay_.

he first saw him when he walked on the beach and didn’t think much of him. phil is looking forward to the month long holiday, working on his mad sunburn he could show off to his friends, and not really looking for a friendship or a relationship if anything. especially not with boys. it wasn’t even a real glance over at the other, more like he was surveying the beach for the perfect spot for him and his family to set their stuff down and enjoy the sun.

it was when he went into the water that this person intrigued him.

from what phil could tell, he had a brother, or he assumes that the person he’s dunking under the is his brother. he also has this _captivating_ laugh, his hand comes up to cover his mouth every time and phil could see a slight dimple in his cheek. he was slim, there was some pudge at the bottom of his stomach, and his skin was beautiful, the tan phil could only dream of getting. the only reason why he went over to this person was to defend the brother, little brothers have to stick together against the older brother bullies. not because he found this individual attractive. that’s ridiculous when he’s only attracted to girls.

“there’s this cool thing called breathing, maybe you should let him try it,” phil smiled when he reached the two.

the stranger stopped laughing, looking over at phil. “i get to do this, i’m his brother.” he had an accent, similar to his own but not quite.

“shouldn’t you go easier on him? it looks like he’s swallowed half the ocean.” phil snickered, watching as the little brother took the chance to run away. this didn’t seem to please older brother.

“why’d you come over here anyway? you gay or something?”

phil staggered back a bit, trying to get his words together. “what?! no! i just thought your brother should, i don’t know, breathe?”

this causes the boy to laugh again, hand covering his mouth again. “sorry, just saw you staring and assumed.” he shrugged, sticking his hand out. “name’s dan, by the way.”

phil eyed dan’s hand for a second before taking it to shake. “‘m phil.”

dan smiled, letting his hand drop to his side. if, deep down, phil admitted to himself that dan was, in fact, incredibly attractive, well, the straight police don’t need to know that.

-

the problem grew larger when, a week after meeting and exchanging numbers, phil found himself asking his parents to let him go to disney land with dan.

his parents, rightfully, weren’t too keen on this. phil had already spent a good amount of their time already with this boy, and he was still just a stranger.to the rest of the lester clan. but it wasn’t just that, they were in america on a _family_ vacation, not a _phil found a boy on the beach and now all of his time was going to be spent with said boy_ vacation. phil’s parents would at least like to have one day where phil wasn’t talking about this dan kid.

in the end, they lamented, making phil promise that he would spend the following day with his family and _not_ trying to sneak off again like their first family day. phil thanked his parents profusely, grabbing his phone out of his pocket before dialing dan’s number.

“did we make the right decision?” his mother had mumbled once phil was out of sight. 

“look at him, i’ve never seen him so happy to spend time with someone since he was 6,” his father smiles, placing his hand other his wife’s. “who knows, this dan kid could have a bigger impact than we think.”

his mother smiled weakly, looking over at her husband. “i think it’s a bit too early to say things like that.”

“you said that with martyn, and look where he is now.”

-

the thing about the problem is that it didn’t really hit phil that he might have less than straight feelings about dan until there was a week left in his holiday and dan tried to kiss him.

they were at disney land again, both having escaped their families to meet up. they wanted to watch the fireworks together again, they had mutually agreed that it was the best part about being in the happiest place on earth. it would get colder at night as they watched the sky light up, using the cold excuse as to get closer to one another. phil had always been captivated with the fireworks and how it synced up to the music so well, letting little noises of praise out of his mouth at nearly every explosion. 

dan, on the other hand, had been watching phil. he thought it was too cute how enthralled phil got with the fireworks, his pale skin temporarily turning the color of whatever just exploded. it wasn’t hard for dan to admit to himself that he had developed some sort of feelings for phil in the course of being in america, the other was extremely attractive, in his opinion, anybody would be blind not to see it. it wasn’t hard for dan to know he was anything but straight, taking on the qualifier “pan” since he was just attracted to people.

phil looked down to dan, about to ask if he was seeing the fireworks, only to find that the other was already staring at him. he felt his cheeks start to burn slightly, looking away for a moment to try and compose himself before looking at dan again. he said something, too quietly for it to be heard over the fireworks, and dan blushed, looking down before looking back up to phil.

even knowing that phil was straight, it still didn’t stop dan from leaning in and kissing phil.

at first, phil didn’t react, almost frozen in place in shock that someone was kissing him. he seemed to come back when he felt dan pull away slightly and -

the other thing of the problem is phil won’t admit that he kissed dan _back_.

phil’s hands settled on dan’s hips while dan’s winded around his neck. he could feel the smile on dan’s lips, almost instinctively pulling him closer. _shit_ , phil’s never been kissed like this in his whole young life and he doesn’t think he wants to stop, he _knows_ dan doesn’t.

except they do, partly because of oxygen, mostly because the clapping that signalled the end of the fireworks brought phil back to reality.

immediately, phil pulled away, his hands back by his sides as he looked to dan with wide eyes. _what the fuck did you just do?!_ he screamed at himself, opening and closing his mouth as he tried to think of what to say.

the places where phil’s hands were burned on dan’s skin, his own hands crossed over his chest as he curled into himself. he was embarrassed, he can’t believe he let himself even kiss phil. it’s not like he’s going to ever like him like that, it’s a lost cause. _but phil kissed you back!_ his brain supplied, trying to calm himself down. _obviously, there has to be some attraction there or he wouldn’t have done that!_

“i’m,” phil started, looking around at the crowd leaving. “i’m gonna go. text you later.”

he allowed himself to get swallowed into the crowd, not daring to look back at dan. it already hurt too much knowing that he is the cause of dan’s sadness. but he’s not gay! he hasn’t been gay for as long as he can remember! he likes girls with curly hair, girls that have dimples that appear every time they laugh, girls whose eyes remind him of chocolate. not dan. not boys.

-

when your body is presented with a problem, it has two options. scientists call this the fight or flight response. usually used in extreme situations, it can definitely apply to phil’s life right now.

he decided to hide, or flight. he ignored any and all texts that came in the next day, not calling him back after the fifth voicemail left for him. he brushed it off as he was focusing on his family, it was a family day after all, that was his excuse. it’s not because phil might’ve discovered that his intact sexuality it slowly crumbling at his feet.

phil continued it for a second day, and then a third. late at night, he’d research what was wrong with him, how could he go from liking only girls to practically making out with a boy? nothing made sense to him, he couldn’t be gay, he couldn’t be gay, he coul-

there’s a knock at the door of their townhouse, interrupting phil’s thoughts. had his family forgotten their keys again? he sighed, getting off the couch to go open the door, expecting to see his brother or his mom smiling sheepishly after forgetting their keys _yet again._

he didn’t expect to see dan standing on his doorstep.

“how’d you know where i was staying?” was the first thing out of phil’s mouth and, well, it’s an improvement from running away. 

dan just stared at him, breathing slightly heavier like he had ran. “you’ve been ignoring me, and i know it’s not because you’re leaving soon.” if phil chose flight, it’s obvious dan chose fight.

phil stayed quiet, not even denying what dan claimed. “yeah, but i’ve been spending time with my family. who i’m on holiday with.”

“that’s bullshit and you know it.”

the air is thick, phil can’t even look up from the ground. dan has the right to be mad, he’s practically excommunicated him since the incident, he can’t even say what happened. it’s like he’s a child again, small and defenseless and unsure of what to say. he toes at the ground, tightening his grip on the door.

“i’m not gay.” it holds in the air, a little too thick for either’s liking. “and i’m scared because i actually liked kissing you and i’m not gay, dan. i’m not gay but i loved it when you kissed me and i don’t know wh-”

dan cuts him off in a hug, clinging onto him like they’ve been apart for months and not days. phil didn’t realize he was crying until he was holding onto dan for dear life. “it’s ok, it’s ok to be scared. just trust me, it’s all going to be ok.”

they stay there, awkwardly hugging in the threshold of phil’s townhouse for an embarrassingly long time. phil’s crying slowly turns into hiccups and shaky breaths, never once letting go of dan. he does, eventually, when they move their small party to the couch, but once they’re both safely there, he’s back around dan. he’s missed him over the past few days, and he doesn’t have a lot of time in america left.

“i’m sorry that i ignored you,” phil mumbles into dan’s neck. “i... i’ve never liked a boy like i would like a girl and it’s scary and holidays are all about being happy and getting away from the worries of your everyday life. it’s not about finding out that you’re not str-”

“phil, it’s fine. everyone gets scared, it’s normal. i shouldn’t have kissed you first, that was my fault.”

“but i liked it, i mean, i ended finding out stuff about myself because of it.” phil gives a weak laugh, pulling his head up. “do you think i’ll see you after i go back home?”

it’s dan’s turn to laugh and smile. “i’m sure we’ll find a way.”

-

the problem with finding out your strong hold on being straight wasn't as strong as you thought isn’t going on a vacation to the states. the problem is that, no matter how hard you try, one day you might find out that you might like boys and girls, and there’s nobody there to tell you that it’s ok. sexuality isn’t like a light switch, no matter how much they preach, you can't just turn it off. eventually, like most things, it’ll surface, and you’ll be faced with a choice: you can either run away and pretend you never saw a thing, or you can embrace it, find more things about it, not be scared of it anymore.

the new problem is how is phil going to tell his parents that his favorite souvenir is the boyfriend he brought back home with him.

**Author's Note:**

> if you like this content you can follow my tumblr @astronomerhxwell


End file.
